Karaoke Craig's Picks

miami, kansas city, philadelphia, cincy, minnesota, houston, indy, new orleans, dallas, arizona, washington, seattle, chicago, new england, san diego

We're still working on motivating KC to be more of a writer. Give it time.

Mike's Week 1 NFL Picks

Welcome back, welcome back. These are my favorite posts to write and it has been a cold and lonely offseason without them. Besides the fact that KC and Bardo will be picking against me this year, not much has changed. I'll pick each game against the spread and every week I'll give you an upset special (underdog to win outright) and a Chucktown Lock (game to take straight to your bookie). I may even throw in a Chucktown&Down 3-team Parlay if we had a robust comment section that week and I feel like you deserve it. So, without Freddie Adu, let's get to the picks!

STEELERS -6.5 over Titans
I'm starting the season 0-1...whatever. I undervalued the Titan's defense because they lost Albert "What'TilWeGetOur" Haynesworth "OnYou" to Washington. I won't do that again. Good news is that thanks to some clutch Bardo advice I started Santonio Holmes (130 yards and a TD) over Chris Henry (could get arrested before Sunday). So all in all it was a push.

Chiefs +12.5 over RAVENS
I think Baltimore is a lock to win this one at home and I'm taking them in Pick'Em, but they like to play the type of game we saw last night. Unless White Cassel starts throwing Pick-6's left and right I don't see a blowout, but I'm about as confident about this game as I am about TO's sexuality.

FALCONS -4 over Dolphins
A battle of '08's turnaround teams. Both are well coached but I think Hotlanta has too much fire power. Plus, you don't need to be Bill Belichick to stop the Wildcat offense if you have 7 months to prepare for it. Peace up, A Town!

PANTHERS +2.5 over Eagles
As the proud owner of Brian Westbrook and DeSean Jackson I am going to be a defacto Eagles fan this year. I'm not totally pumped about it but I'll live. This is a classic "show me" game, on the road against a team that is dominant in the trenches. If Philly wants to win the division they need to win games like this, but until they show me they can I'll take a home team giving up a couple. It's not my Upset Special though, since this one could go either way, a classic "1 game" in a priority league.

BENGALS -4 over Broncos
Wow. Talk about a fugly matchup. The Broncos are in complete disarray but the Bengals are still the Bungels until they prove otherwise. Somehow Cincy comes into this game with more stability than their opponent, which hasn't happened in 3 years. Kyle Orton + a 29th ranked defense - Brandon Marshall x the fact that their coach has about as much control over that locker room as Richard Vernon has over a Saturday detention = I am not picking you. Sorry.

Vikings -4 over BROWNS
I will be rooting against Brett Favre harder than I have ever rooted against any one individual player with the possible exception of the pin-striped Rocket. I would love to see Favre throw 4 picks and get embarrassed in the Dog Pound, but AP can win this game by himself.

TEXANS -4.5 over Jets
I predict that the Team Rex-n-Defects will finish worse than any other 2008 playoff team, and Houston will be this year's Falcons. With great respect to Randy Moss and Larry Fitzgerald, Andre Johnson is the best wide receiver in football. There, I said it. He will finish with the most fantasy points of any WR and help carry his team to a 10-6 record. Boom. Roasted.

Jaguars +7 over COLTS
Jacksonville is 8-5-1 against the spread in their last 14 games against Indy. I bet you didn't know that.

Lions +13 over SAINTS
Don't sleep on the 2009 Detroit Lions! Just kidding, you can hibernate on them, but they seem to have done everything right this offseason. Look for them to win the 1st quarter and have that be enough to keep it to a 28-17 game.

GIANTS -6.5 over Redskins
Many experts like them to go to the Super Bowl, so they need to cover a touchdown at home against arguably the worst team in their division, right?

BUCS +6 over Cowboys
You smell that? Either I'm having a stroke or I SMELL AN UPSET. Tampa just fired their offensive coordinator before he ever called plays in a regular season game? No problem! Tony Romo sucks and the Bucs always play good defense at home.

PACKERS -3.5 over Bears
I almost want to take Chicago because I think this one will be so close, but I have to go with the Pack in Lambeau, especially since we have no idea how the Bears will mesh now that they're past the crazy off/preseason. If you want a bonus pick I would take the OVER at 46, these aren't your grandfather's Bears and Packers.

Rams +8.5 over SEAHAWKS
The AFC and NFC West divisions are like Resource Room in elementary school. If a team is a little behind they can go there to play around with other slow kids. I'll take St. Louis to cover because sj39 is my boy and Seattle is currently the worst city in professional sports. Eventually the gloom of that town has to lessen their 12th man home field advantage, right?

CARDINALS -6.5 over 49ers
The Niners suck, right? The Cards lost the Super Bowl by an inch last season, right? Better bet on them while Kurt Warner is still alive.




PATRIOTS -11 over Buffalo
Double-digits is a little steep for Week 1, but I see no reason for this not to be a continuation of the 2007 Belichick/Brady Fuck You Roadshow. DING-DING-DING! We have found our CHUCK TOWN LOCK OF THE WEEK! 31-13 sounds appropriate, which is the under (47.5) for those scoring at home.

RAIDERS +9.5 over Chargers
San Diego is like the Oscar de la Hoya of the NFL: Marketable, utterly ridiculous, but with the talent to beat anybody on any given day or lose a fight they should win, thus a difficult team to bet on. As horrible as the Raider organization is, I just can't take San Diego on the road against a Top 10 pass defense with a spread this big.

Wait...Oakland is such a shitshow that Richard Seymour won't even show up? If Rodney Harrison says his team is looking good than who is the SFPG to say otherwise???

Chargers -9.5 over RAIDERS


Season Standings:
Bardo 0-1
Karaoke Craig 1-0
Mike 0-1

The Rest of Bardo (0-1) 's Picks

Broncos +4 over Bengals - Dont be fooled by Hard Knocks.

Texans -4.5 over Jets - Not taking a rookie QB in week 1 on the road

Vikings -4 over Browns - Haaaaaaave you met Cleveland?

Saints -13 over Lions - I like the Lions this year but not in this one

Colts -7 over Jags - RSVPing to the Anthony Gonzalez coming out party.

Chiefs +13 over Ravens - Too many points for a defense first team to cover.

Cowboys -6 over Bucs - The Mr. Personality game because its so ugly.

Panthers +2 over Eagles - John Fox knows to run on every play right?

Giants -6.5 over Redskins - Usually takes more than 1 week to expose Eli.

Seahawks -8.5 over Rams - Rams begin their run as this year's Lions.

Packers -3.5 over Bears - Packers fans itching to be heard from.

Dolphins +4 over Falcons - Early taste of AFC vs. NFC; take the points, leave the cannoli.

Cardinals -6.5 over 49ers - Still trying to figure out what the 49ers did this offseason.

Patriots -10.5 over Bills - Have the Pats named a starting QB for week 1 yet? Oh, really...

Chargers -9 over Raiders - Expecting SD to choke out the Raiders and then throw them to the ground.

The Innaugural Pick of 2009

Let's get shit started right. I'll have the rest of my brilliance posted by tomorrow afternoon. As for tonight, here is how it breaks down:

Karaoke Craig - Tennessee +6.5

Bardo - Pittsburgh -6.5

Mike - Pittsburgh -6.5
(I always like defending champs to win by a touchdown at home over teams quarterbacked by 37-year-old alcoholics)

For Old Time's Sake

What can I say, I got a little homesick. Every once in a while it's nice to come back to where it all started, like when Bruce takes a break from the stadium tours and plays Asbury Park.

The truth is, BK the IT guy is on his honeymoon and since I'm a moron I have no idea how to fix the big boy site. Please don't bother him though, he deserves the vacation and the wedding was probably the most fun I've had since October of '04:



So, until the newly married man gets back from Aruba why don't we just make ourselves comfortable in the old pad?

I'll have my Week 1 NFL Picks column up by Friday afternoon, and Bardo and Karaoke will get their picks in as well. We will each be picking every game against the spread to figure out who the real SFP Guy is.

Until then, send some mailbag questions so I have something to write about.

Moving Day!

I strolled all alone through a fallout zone and came out with my soul untouched
I hid in the clouded wrath of the crowd but when they said "Sit down" I stood up.
Ooh-ooh growin' up

sportsfanparadise.com

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Please check back in at the end of the week.

T.G.I.Mailbag

Sports (Fan Paradise) Guy Mailbag Take 2!

I've been very impressed with the emails people have been sending in. To be quite honest I didn't think you guys had it in you, but I sounded the alarm and you delivered. I am a little disappointed with the lack of female representation in the bag, but hopefully the ladies will come around soon.

I'm actually busy as hell today so this post will be a gradual one. I'll post an answer every hour, on the half hour, so feel free to check back in periodically.

As always, send your provoking questions for S(FP)G to sportsfanparadise@gmail.com

It's NFL draft season. However, since my team doesn't have a first-round pick this year, mock NFL drafts are 99 percent less interesting to me than in years past, and my imagination has run amok thinking about other, potentially more interesting draft possibilities. Who, for instance, are the top 5 celebrities on your draft board if you're trying to find the ideal wingman for a night out? I think we're looking for a recognizable, interesting guy who seems like he'd instantly develop a rapport with anyone but not necessarily embarrass you or your friends in the looks department. I'm thinking some of the Apatow crew (Seth Rogen, Jason Segel) would be strong candidates. Jack Black? Zach Braff? Kenan from Kenan and Kel?

-Carolina Craig, Philly

The #1 pick is easy: Neil Patrick Harris.

For the last 4 years he has portrayed the character of Barney Stinson, the greatest wing man in television history. I trust NPH to help me pick up women for the same reason that I would trust Mathew Fox to perform an emergency appendectomy, Tim Daly and Steven Webber to fly a plane, or Keifer Sutherland to save millions of American lives. He is good looking enough to attract women but short enough to make me look good, and he is gay, so there is no competition at the end of the night.

Other first round picks? How about Tom Brady. Even is he decides to cheat on Gisele its not like there won’t be 100 other women who want to be with “the guy Tom Brady was with.” Just ask his actual wingman Will McDonough; his life does not suck.

Rounding out my Top 5 would be Vinny Chase (E always overachieves), Bret Michaels (because he seems to attract the type of women I wouldn’t mind partying with at this stage of my life), and Benjamin Linus (because he can get anyone to do anything and think it was their idea).

I’m liking the idea of non-football mock drafts. We will expand on this.

The Sports Guy has had some great guests on his podcasts including Peter Berg, the genius behind the greatest show, Friday Night Lights. Not including The Boss, who are the top 5 guests that need to be on the inaugural SFP podcast?

-Fawn, Needham

Great question, especially since SFP will be podcasting by summertime. But you’re right; Bruce would probably be at the top of my list for dream guests. If I could pick five others to interview I think the list would be, in no particular order: Larry Bird, Dr. Drew, Damon Lindelof, Mike Tyson and Jenna Jameson.

Besides the 1% chance of booking Lindelof, I can promise we will never get any of these people, but you asked for a Top 5 so you got a Top 5. Oh, and by the way, “top-5” is pretty much the theme of this mailbag so get used to it.

A more realistic list of 5 guests I’d love to have on the inaugural podcast would look more like this: Tony Reali, Glen “Big Baby” Davis, CT from the Real World, Heidi Watney and Raven’s kicker Steve Hauschka. Those I think we can make happen.

S(FP)G -

Just watched Raging Bull. Robert DeNiro is such a bad ass in parts of that movie. But if you think about it, he's a bigger bad ass in like 8 other movies. Taxi Driver, Godfather Part 2, Casino, Goodfellas, Midnight Run, to name a few.

The sports equivalent of this I suppose is someone who has hall-of-fame careers on multiple teams. This happens much less today because players play on so many teams that their numbers on any single team aren't hall-of-fame worthy. Shaq is an example of this. He's a hall-of-famer because of what he did in LA. In isolation, his Orlando and Miami careers don't get him there.

Charles Barkley on the other hand is a hall-of-famer with his career in Philly AND with Phoenix. Roger Clemens is in the Hall with his Boston and NY careers.

Tell me your top five athletes and top 5 actors are in this category. (Also, which DeNiro is the biggest bad ass? Taxi Driver, right?)

-Dave in DC

No, DeNiro was a little bitch in Taxi Driver. Neil McCauley never would have let himself obsess over Betsy or Iris the way that Travis Bickle does.

Two performances come to mind if we’re talking about when DeNiro was the biggest badass. He was an absolute maniac in Mean Streets as Johnny Boy, but that said, when I think badass I think someone who is smart, ruthless, and has balls of steel. If that doesn’t describe a young Vito Corleone then I don’t know what does, so my vote goes for DeNiro in Part II.

Also you’re wrong that Clemens is a hall-of-famer just based on his time with the Yankees. Especially with the steroid allegations I think that’s a terrible example, sorry. And I’m not sure that Barkley makes the Hall just based on four seasons in Phoenix, despite how good he was, but I won’t argue with you about basketball.

You’re question was a little confusing but I take it that you’re looking for 5 athletes who had hall-worthy careers with multiple teams, and actors who simply dominated many different movies. As for the athletes, I’ll try and take one from each major sport. Hockey is definitely Gretzky, whose 10 years with the Oilers or 8 with the Kings would probably get him in on the first ballot. For hoops I’m going with Kareem: 30&15 a game for 6 seasons with Milwaukee and then 14 season with LA in which he became the all-time leading scorer. Football is a tricky one because there are few trades and very short careers, but how about Marshall Faulk? 8,000+ yards from scrimmage with the Colts and 11,000+ with the Rams earns him my vote. Nolan Ryan led the league in strikeouts 7 times with the Angels and twice each with the Astros and Rangers, but I don’t think any one stint besides his 8 years in California get him in. I hate to do this…I really do. But I have to. My baseball player is (gulp) Manny. 8 years in Cleveland and 8 in Boston, with just staggering numbers his entire career. Finally, for RW/RR Challenges I think the answer is obvious: Darrell Taylor. He was never the most dominant, but with wins in The Gauntlet, Inferno, Inferno II AND Fresh Meat, there is no better winner. Call him the Steve Kerr of Challenges if you want, but he deserves his place in history.

And now you want 5 actors who dominated multiple movies? I feel like this is wide open since so many great actors have had so many great roles, so I will just go with the 5 actors who appear in different roles in my short list of favorite movies: Pacino (Tony Montana and Michael Corleone), Bill Murray (John Winger, Carl Spackler), Chevy Chase (Fletch, Ty Webb), Kevin Spacey (Verbal Kint, John Doe), and Tim Robbins (Andy Dufresne, Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh). Honorable mention to Paul Newman and Robert Redford (Henry Gondorff & Johnny Hooker, Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid).

S(FP)G -

I've been reading lately that our beloved Boston Globe might be going bankrupt within the next year. Within like ten years, probably every newspaper will be gone. Is there anything good that can come of this? The way I see it, the only potential upside is that someone will invent a contraption to attach to the toilet that will hold computers to read while we crap. I'd pay a lot of money to not have to keep balancing my computer on my knees.

-Butch from the Cape

How about this invention: white screens that can be hung anywhere which project an iPhone or a Blackberry’s image screen. They can be on the back of every stall and hung in every room of the house. All our TV is going to be on mobile devices in 5 years anyway, and these screens will let us watch it in 40 inch high-def wherever we’re sitting. If there are any really smart people reading this blog (unlikely) you should get on this right away!

But on a serious note, there is something physically romantic about reading a newspaper. It has a special charm and character that websites do not, and I am very sad about the fact that they are on the road to obscurity. Still, I am happy to see the old school newspaper writers, especially in Boston (Shank, Borgers, etc) finally becoming irrelevant. They had way too much power for way too long, and the sports media genre is better off now that it is saturated to the point that people have hundreds of options as to whose opinions they read.

In a typical day do you think more about food or sex?

-Andy from Charlestown

Hmm. It took a mailbag and a half but I think somebody finally stumped me. I’m writing this at 11:56 and all I have eaten today is a banana, so right now all I can think about is buffalo chicken pizza and an Italian sub from Sam & Anne’s. If you ask me in an hour I’ll probably say that I think more about taking a shit than food and sex combined, but again it will also be a skewed answer.

I have a theory that there are 5 different types of people in the world, and you can’t categorize a person until you have seen them leave a bar at 1:30 in the morning. Person #1 tries to find another bar that’s open, a party, or at the very least a fridge with another beer in it. Person #2 wants to find the closest bag of weed and smoke as soon as possible. Person #3 tries to find his or her bed, or the closest comfortable area, and go to sleep immediately, while Person #4 calls his or her significant other or tries to get laid by any means necessary. Then there is Person #5. My roommate for all 4 years of college was Person #5, who will leave a bar and immediately go looking for food. Sometimes its pizza, sometimes it’s Chinese, but that is the ONLY thing on his mind. Sure, he may look for a beer, a bed or a girl, but that’s just to wash down the food, have something to sit on, and have someone to share with.

But that is a long and off-topic answer to a very simple question. I eat far more than I have sex, but I think I spend more of the day horny than hungry, since its so much easier to find food then it is to find women who aren’t looking for a commitment. So there you go, sex it is. Having said that, if I only ate a few times a week my answer would most definitely be food.

Ken Griffey Baseball '98 for N64 was always one of my favorite video games. Besides being able to pitch with Pedro in his prime and bat with the Indians' lineup, the game always pulled the pitcher after giving up 4 runs, whether it was the 1st or 6th inning. One of my goals going into every game was to score 4 runs before recording an out so the SP's ERA for the game was an *, I may have even hit restart a few times if I couldn't reach my goal. What are some of the other side games that can be played with classic video games?

-Hank, Boston

You guys are fuckin BRINGING IT today. I’m impressed.

Hank, I have been thinking about this for years and never had an “out-loud” conversation about it, so hopefully I can remember some of my little side games. One that comes to mind is in Tetris, where I would only clear layers of 4 at a time and see how long I could last. Sometimes there would be a 2 minute stretch when I would never get a long piece and it got intense. Also, my buddy Mike and I would play very high scoring games of NBA Live 95 for Sega in which we would try to break individual player scoring records. I think I scored 116 with Reggie Miller that has never been topped, but I forget. I have been known to win games of Madden 2005 without throwing a pass, but that was college and I was showing off. Let’s see…what else? During Madden seasons I would try to break as many single season records as I could, usually setting new marks in rushing yards (my RB), touch downs (my TE) and sacks (my fastest OLB). I would play warm-up games of RBI Baseball 3 against the computer before playing against my brother, usually trying to throw a perfect game and restarting when I put a runner on base. In March Madness ’04 I would try to get all my starters in double figures, but that wasn’t as much fun as playing Grand Theft Auto 3 and just ignoring the mission to trying to kill as many people as possible. That is by far the best “game within the game” in history.

Who do you think would be the best and worst cross-over coaches? A cross-over coach would be like a current NFL coach coaching a NBA game. The two best that I have come up with are Phil Jackson and Bill Belichick. Phil Jackson would be a great baseball manager. He would be much better Yankees skipper then fucking Joe Girardi. In baseball its all about managing players and especially with the Yankees managing egos. The Zen man would be a great fit. For my other pick, Belichick, you can’t tell me that he wouldn't be a great NHL coach. He would mastermind some ridiculous defense that impossible to score on. As for the worst cross-over, it’s a much easier question. Doc Rivers would be an awful NFL coach and Jon Gruden would be a terrible baseball manager. What do you think SFPG?

-Chris, Cambridge Mass

Welcome to the party Chris. Good question. I think that being an NFL coach would be extremely difficult, and I don’t think there are many coaches in other sports that could handle the hours or the strategizing. I do have a few coaches from different sports that could probably take over for each other rather seamlessly. How about John Fox swapping places with Mike Scioscia? For some reason I feel like they have the same type of mentality. I also think that Terry Francona could do Doc Rivers’ job, but not vice-versa. Tito is a player’s manager, and when you have Kevin Garnett on your team that’s the kind of guy you need. I agree that Gruden would be a terrible baseball manager, but what about a college basketball coach? NBA guys would never listen to him, but I think he has the energy for it, and I bet he would be an excellent recruiter.

Dear S(FP)G -

Saturday evening I was crushing the bar scene in the tourist-filled Fanuiel Hall area of Boston. After a baker's dozen big boy sodas with the guys, we decided to introduce our out-of-town friend to the phenomenon known as "Scorpion Bowls" at one of the city's sleaziest dive bars.

As we approached the door surrounded by some of Boston's finest underage girls, the bouncer stopped my New York friend (I am aware this is a conflicted title) and denied his access. Naturally I asked for justification, assuming the mere fact that he is from New York is not enough. The man replied, "Your friend was displaying 'slow tendencies'". As any drunk A-hole would do, I could not hold back.

"So you're telling me because my friend suffers from a mental disability that you won't let him in your bar?" No response. "What is worse -- having the cops show up to find a bunch of underage kids in your bar or a bunch of mentally handicapped people?" His response, "Your friend is not retarded, he's drunk!" Who is he to judge? At this point I was pulled away from the bar and led to Sausage King, which immediately distracted me and helped me forget about the lame excuse for my first door denial experience since college.

It's been a while since I experienced a denial, but if you're going to get denied there better be a damn good reason. "Displaying slow tendencies" is about as lame as John Smoltz injuring himself while ironing the shirt HE WAS WEARING! Am I justified in my response to such a lame-duck excuse? Was my immediate reaction to pawn my friend's drunken stupidity off as mental disability inappropriate?

- Dan in Medford

You bring up a decent point. It was a long and confusing point, but I have found some decency in it. What if a retard tried to get in a bar and got denied for acting too drunk, even if he was dead sober? That may be a civil rights issue, I’m not sure. As for your situation, however, I’m sure the bouncer was just doing his job and doing it well. Someone has to protect the 19-year-old girls with fake IDs inside Hong Kong, and I’m sure your buddy was completely hammered (as I’m sure you were still drunk when you submitted this question).

But to answer your final inquiry, I am always one for bending the rules and using every trick in the book to succeed, so I commend your effort, but I doubt you were very convincing after “a baker’s dozen big boy sodas.”

SFPG-

Since it’s today’s theme, what are the top 5 songs you would enter to if you were an MLB closer?

- Jacob, Des Moines

OK, I am officially making this the final Top-5 question I field today, its 4:22 and I’m about to call it a weekend. But I like this one a lot.

The closer entrance song needs to accomplish 2 things: it needs to pump people up and it needs to intimidate the other team.

I will definitely put Wild Thing at the top of the list, especially now that Pap has settled on just using Shipping up to Boston by Dropkick Murphy’s. It is perfect for the closer entrance. I also have to say that I respect Enter Sandman (Mariano) and Hells Bells (Trevor Hoffman) but I can’t copy any of those guys.

#2 would have to be Break Stuff by Limp Bizkit. I would have them start it at the 1:15 mark and I wouldn’t sprint out until 2:00. The place would go apeshit if they didn’t censor it.

#3 For Those About To Rock (We Salute You) by AC/DC. This gives you a solid 6 minutes to warm up and get the place pumped.

#4 Bruce’s Out in the Street. Judge me all you want but this would get the cougars on their feet.

Finally, this would be what my entrance would sound like if I ever played over in Japan.

Smokey Monster makes Bardo LOST

2 days off from work paired with no Masters coverage til 4 (Thanks corporate America!) means I'll be your pilot on today's LOST exploration. I wont even pretend that I understood most of it, but here come some of the Notent Notables from last night's smokey episode.

1) Cant bury the lead, how hot was Alex? I say she blasted past Claire and Juliet and skyrocketed to Kate and Shannon stratospheres of hotness. Seriously... she was hot. Also add Alex to the list with Claire, Christian, and Locke (probably forgetting some others) who fit into the Bon Jovi "Dead or Alive" catergory. What if the whole show was an allegory for JBJ? 

2) How about the new and improved Locke? He's got confidence, he's got swagger. For once he KNOWS whats going on instead of believing whats going on. His back and forth banter with Ben last night was outstanding. Cracking jokes: "I was just looking for an apology." Telling him what to do: "We're going under the temple." I've never been a Locke guy before but, I'm starting to appreciate him more. This Locke is so new and improved I half expect to see Billy Mays do an informercial for him.

3) The triumphant return of Desmond. The guy takes a bullet to the chest and then lays a Rodney Harrison hit on Ben. Maybe Ben wasn't going to kill Penny, maybe he did kill Penny (there is no way that we saw the conclusion of that scene on the docks), but either way, any Desmond we can get is welcome. Just Desmond being Desmond.

4) The smoke monster coming out of the New York Subway grates was... something. This is clearly the where most of our new questions will come from. Who controls it? What is its purpose? Is the smoke monster Jacob? Does the smoke monster take the shape of the dead? Why did the smokey flashbacks look so polished and Disney'ed up? Overall I thought that scene where it judged, and seemingly gave Ben a pass, was the only scene I didn't like. Seemed too over-produced, too George Lucas-y. This is LOST, a show where a photograph on a desk in the background provides clues to internet-dorks; I feel like this should have been a bit grittier and a little less spoon-fed. I also don't totally feel its as simple as Ben just getting a second chance; nothing on this show is that easy.

5) I like what's going on back at the beach with the present day plane crash. The shooting of Cesar was a bit unexpected so that was nice. Illana seems to have a bit too much up her sleeve, but the extension of Pilot Frank Lapidus into the plot is laudatory. "What lies in the shadow of the statue" is a compelling storyline. The 4 toes reveal must be coming in the near future. Also, I have a friend who theorizes (no spoiler, just theory) that the silver box that Illana and those dudes are guarding could contain Charles Widmore? I kinda like that.

Finally, some quickies to go out on:

-Do we really trust Ben to take his newly received commands and to follow Locke without double crossing yet again?

-A Miles episode next week and we see Dr. Chang again... interesting.

-What happened to the off-the-island Sun that was demanding and strong? 

-When Ben saw the photo of the 70's Dharma group with the Lost-ies, did he really not remember them? 

-Also will we ever see the purge? Assuming the island self-corrects history (it chooses whoever it wants to choose) there's no way our friends can die in it. 

-Are we sure Charles Widmore was exiled for spending time off the island and fathering a baby there, or could it have been a variety of offenses?

-Paging Doctor Daniel Faraday? Are you in the building?

Say It Ain't So

Taxes trip Al Capone again - in Boston

Financial district restaurant owes state $45,385.90

By Tom Moroney Bloomberg News / April 8, 2009

Stop me if you've heard this one: Al Capone is in hot water over taxes.

It is not the late Chicago gangster convicted of income-tax evasion in 1931, but a popular Italian restaurant of the same name in Boston's financial district.

State Police arrived shortly before noon yesterday at the Al Capone restaurant on Summer Street, secured the front door, and affixed two fluorescent orange signs: "Seized, nonpayment of taxes."

The restaurant owes Massachusetts $45,385.90, mostly in meals taxes dating back to December 2004, said Robert R. Bliss, a spokesman for the state Revenue Department. The sum includes $1,850.90 in corporate taxes, he said.

Al Capone is a lunchtime stroll from Fidelity Investments, the world's largest mutual-fund company, along with Wellington Management Company LLP, State Street Corp., Putnam Investments, and Loomis Sayles & Co. The bolted door disappointed anyone who showed up for sandwiches and pizza slices yesterday.

John Verban, 51, a chemist whose favorite Al Capone fare is the thick-crust pizza, saw the irony in the police action.

"I'm up on my history," he said. "The way they bagged that other Capone was via taxes, too."

Revenue agents did not point out the Chicago parallel when pursuing the restaurant for payment, Bliss said.

"A different set of circumstances, but an interesting name nonetheless," he said.

Massachusetts closes about 80 restaurants a year after attempts to negotiate a payment schedule fail, Bliss said. The rate has remained steady during the recession, he said.

State records show the restaurant owner as First Capone V Inc., and Rose Capone of Waltham as the sole corporate officer. Calls to the phone number listed for that name did not go through.

"I just hope all that food isn't going to waste," Verban said as he peered through a window.

Now I know how Professor Gerald Lambeau felt.

Of the 40 or so people who signed up for the SFP group in the ESPN Tournament Challenge I knew just about everybody. One of the two or three people that I didn't know was N. Koleas. His bracket, nkoleas 1, finished in the top 98.9% of all brackets in the country, and won our pool.

But I still have know idea who he is. He has bested some of the greatest sports minds of the world (wide web), and yet his identity remains a mystery.

I look around and see a lot of my readers, some people who are not my readers, as well as some of my coworkers. And by no stretch of my imagination do I think that you've all come to this site to see me blog, but rather to ascertain the identity of this "Mystery Man." Whoever you are, you have predicted one of the most perfect brackets that I have ever seen. So without further ado, come forward silent rogue, and receive thy prize.


Anyone with information as to the identity of N. Koleas please email sportsfanparadise@gmail.com.

Best Week Ever

Monday: National Championship Game

Tuesday: Red Sox Opening Day

Wednesday: Season Premiere of The MTV RW/RR Challenge: Duel 2

Thursday: Masters begins

SFP will be there from start to finish with a live blog of each event, but since I'm going to Fenway tomorrow I'll be twittering that thing like its my job

The Inaugural Sports (Fan Paradise) Guy Mailbag: Part 1

AND WE'RE OFF!

Dear S(FP)G,

I got to thinking the other day about college coed intramural sports, basketball in particular. Gym class heroes have I guess two routes they can go: 1, they can try really hard and try to impress the females they play with with their skills and ability, but this comes with the risk of being the asshole that's trying too hard when everyone else is just messing around.

OR, they can kind of minimize their effort to the lowest common denominator on the floor, try and make sure everyone's happy and get everyone involved, not really caring about the score. This can be a good route because it shows selflessness and caring for others. It also might help get the best of both worlds, since this can lead ladies to think you're both (a) talented and (b) not an overly competitive asshole.

I know what Tony Dungy would tell me ("YOU PLAY TO WIN THE GAME"), but what would the S(FP)G have to say?

-Harry in Worcester

First off, I think Herm Edwards would tell you to “play to win the game” while Dungy would probably tell you to play in the eyes of the Lord. But don’t worry, I won’t interpret your confusion as closet racism, don’t worry.

As for the gym class hero question, I’m glad you came to me. As someone whose athletic career peaked in high school gym class I consider myself a very credible source. I spent my entire life, even in town intramurals, as a decent athlete amongst better and worse athletes. But in gym class it was different. Sometimes I would not only the best athlete in the class, but the only athlete, and could dominate for the first time in my life. So yes, I’m qualified to answer this.

It really comes down to one thing and one thing only: Whether or not there is a hot girl in the class. If its just ugly girls, dorks, and stoners, you may as well put up 30 points and 10 boards in a 4-on-4 basketball game and go to your next class on a high note. If, however, there is a good looking girl that you’re trying to impress, you need to change your strategy. The worst thing you can do is try to show off. Its gym class, after all. If the game is basketball, my advice is to not take a shot, just penetrate and dish, acting more like Nash and less like Lebron or Kobe. Control the game, but get everyone involved, you’ll look like the nice guy that doesn’t care about winning a phys ed game. If the game was team handball or soccer I used to play goalie. It’s the most passive position on the field and succeeds in making you look like you aren’t trying too hard, but if put up a shut-out everyone is going to know who the MVP is. Finally, if the game is kickball, kick that freaking thing as hard as you can. Chicks dig the long ball.

So I see Bill Simmons fairly frequently in The Grove, the shopping
center that he talks about on Page 2; What do you want me to ask him
when I see him next? My buddy asked me to call him so he can come over
and see him in person, but that seems like a pointless venture.

Sincerely, Andy from LA

Ask him when he’s going to post some pictures of the Sports Gal. Or better yet, if he is shopping with his wife you can take a picture of her with your cell phone and email it to me so I can post it on SFP. If you don’t feel comfortable doing that then ask him excitedly if he is the same guy that works for Rick Reilly on ESPN.

S(FP)G -

Survivor Series-style elimination fight, five Celtics from 1984 vs. five Pistons from 1989. Who do you pick for each side and who wins?

My First two Celtics would be Greg Kite and Dennis Johnson. THIS CLIP tells you why. 9 Seconds in, watch the 6-foot nothing DJ take down the 7'4 Ralph Sampson. Then notice 32 seconds in Greg Kite coming off the bench having played about 3 minutes all year putting Sampson in the Sleeper a la Brutus the Barber Beefcake). Third Celtic is Parish (see this clip of Parish taking out Bill Lambeer) and the fourth has to be McHale.

My Final Celtic is Cedrick Maxwell: Check out this clip of him drilling a fan that sprayed some soda on him. It's the quintessential pre-Artest NBA Player vs. Fan fight.

As for Detroit, I'm going to just go with their most brutal guys: Rodman, who actually has pro wrestling tag-team experience, Lambeer, John Salley, Vinny Johnson, and Mark Aguire.

I take the Celtics winning with Cedrick Maxwell being the last man standing. What say you S(FP)G?

-Dave in DC

Your knowledge of late-‘80s Pistons and Celtics is far greater than mine, so I will not argue with your prediction, but I think your are underestimating the fact that Laimbeer is the only guy in the match with any actual weight advantage. They would need 2 refs just to untangle most of those lanky bastards. Also, you didn’t mention the advantage that Vinny “The Microwave” Johnson would have as soon as he gets tagged in, since he was known to heat up very quickly.

But enough about that match, you presented some fine points. Your question got me thinking about which pro sports teams, past or present, would be able to field the best 5-man Survivor Series teams. These are the best 5 I could come up with, one from each major sport:

1995-96 New York Knicks

Charles Oakley, Anthony Mason, Patrick Ewing, John Starks, Charles Smith

1993 Philadelphia Phillies

Lenny Dykstra, John Kruk, Darren “Dutch” Daulton, Pete Incaviglia, Mitch “Wild Thing” Williams

1974 Pittsburgh Steelers

“Mean” Joe Green, Jack Lambert (right), Mike Webster, Jack Ham, Franco Harris

1977 Charlestown Chiefs

Reggie Dunlop, Dave “Killer” Carlson, Jeff Hanson, Steve Hanson, Jack Hanson

2004 RW/RR Challenge: The Inferno

Chris “CT” Tamburello, Mike “The Miz” Mizanin, Abram Boise, Timmy Beggy, Darrell Taylor

And while we’re on the topic…

What was the straw that broke the back of professional wrestling as
an acceptable program to watch on TV? I haven’t watched any in probably
6 years, but I can't really pinpoint when I stopped.

-Martin from Miami

I hate to break it to you but the back isn’t broken for the 5.5 million people that watched Monday Night Raw last week, making it consistently the highest rated show on cable. Those rednecks aside, I would guess the straw for a lot of people occurred when Chris Benoit, “pound-for-pound the best in the business”, murdered his wife and son before committing suicide. I can’t pinpoint my straw, since is was more of a collection of things: When I began gambling and participating in fantasy football and Monday Night Football became more important than Raw, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin broke his neck and stopped wrestling for a year, The Rock started doing movies and I saw on the Tonight Show that he was actually a nice guy, and finally, and most importantly, when the WWF bought the WCW and there was no competition anymore. The glory days of wrestling arguably occurred when the WWF was running with DX, Vince McMahon and Austin went at it every week, and the NWO was still taking kicking ass on TNT, but that was 10 years ago. They still have a huge audience, but they lost me.

So now those Apple iPhone commercials promise apps for remembering where to park your car. Add this to the long list things we won’t actually have to use our brain for. At what point are we going to start seeing a tangible difference in how stupid we're getting as a society?

-Anonymous

We already are. The part of my brain that used to be able to answer “hey, what movie was that guy in?” is now completely dead, replaced only by the knowledge of a site called IMDB. I used to know how many home runs Mike Greenwell hit in 1989, but with baseballreference.com I don’t need to remember that type of stuff. I don’t know how to spell anything that the computer corrects for me. See, I just tried to spell computer with an “-ir” and it corrected for me. I didn’t even need to hit the spell check. So yes, we are already a much dumber society. I would complain about how we let technology rule our lives, but putting that type of rant on a blog that people are reading from their blackberry is kind of ridiculous. I will commend the iPhone for one incredible app though, this thing is genius.

Does the fact that Heather Mitts now plays for the Boston Breakers make you remotely interested in attending a Women's Professional Soccer game at Harvard Stadium?

-Tristan, Boston

Nope.

Wait, are the Boston Breakers part of a lingerie soccer league?

Intern says no. So yeah…no.

My roommate and I were watching Home Alone the other day and we started debating which Wet Bandit gets messed up the worst - Harry or Marv. Also, same question for Home Alone 2, and which movie does Kevin inflict the most pain and punishment in?

- Jeff, Hollywood

This question earns the silver medal while Dave’s Survivor Series scenario takes gold. The easiest answers to write are the ones that you have been thinking about anyway for well over a decade, and I have definitely done plenty of thinking about this before.

I don’t think there is any question that Marv gets the worst of it in the first movie. Harry gets the blowtorch to the head, tarred and feathered and beaten with a crowbar, but Marv’s 30 second stint in the basement earns him the prize. The hot iron to the face and stepping on the nail have to be BY FAR the most painful things that have ever happened to someone in a PG movie. To this day I don’t think I’ve watched the nail go into his foot all the way through without closing my eyes. If you add the long-lasting effects of the tetanus he must have contracted then this is a landslide victory.

Home Alone 2 is another story, since the violence and consequences became much less feasible. At one point Harry’s head is on fire (a la part 1) and he sticks it in a toilet full of paint thinner. In any sort of real world with human laws of nature this would be by far the most painful injury of the trilogy, just ahead of Marv getting electrocuted. Luckily for the Wet Bandits, HA2 didn’t follow these rules and despite the massive explosion and electrocution they walked away nearly unscathed.

So the final verdict is that the Kevin inflicted the most harm in the sequel, but it is beyond believability that both Harry and Marv could survive the injuries, disqualifying Lost in New York and giving the award to the original.

Dear Fake Sports Guy,

This will definitely be the dorkiest question you get, but please bear with me. If you were a modern-day Frodo in Lord of the Rings and had to go on a mission to save the future of man, who would your 8 companions be?

Rob, Ithaca

Great question, Robby definitely jumped onto the medal stand with a bronze-worthy question. As you may or may not know I am a huge LOTR guy, so my initial reaction is to keep the Fellowship pretty much in tact, while subtracting Boromir and the two non-Rudy hobbits and throwing in some CTU agents. But you did say modern-day, and as much as I would trust Gandalf with my life and couldn’t think of guys I’d rather go into battle with than Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli, I don’t think wizards and elves would blend in on a 2009 mission. So sadly I need to revamp the entire group.

The obvious #1 pick is Jack Bauer. I’ll admit I was hesitant, because he tends to go rogue, and this is supposed to be a fellowship. We can’t have someone going off-the-map on their own while the rest of us are working as a team. That being said, “the future of man” means that millions of lives will be at stake, and there is nobody better in that situation than Jack Bauer. Plus, I’ll need people who are mentally strong enough not to try and steal the ring from me, and if Jack can kick heroin in 6 hours I’m pretty sure he has the fortitude not to attack me for “my precious.”

If I have Jack then I need Chloe O’Brien too. She is pound for pound the best hacker and intell-provider out there. She can run point from a remote location, which will make it much easier for the rest of us to move quickly without a woman slowing us down.

Next is Bear Grylls. Is there anyone you would rather have with you to help survive an adventure? No way. I’m also going to include Bear Grylls’ cameraman in my team, since that guy does everything Bear does but can do it one-handed. He is probably the most overlooked and underrated guy in television history.

Next I’ll take Jin and Sayid from Lost. Jin for his loyalty and Sayid because he is the kind of guy you need on your side when shit goes down. Imagine Sayid and Jack Bauer interrogating someone together? That guy would give up the info faster than the gatekeeper in Princess Bride.

As much as I trust the team I’ve put together so far, none of these people are my friends. I need a Sam, someone who I trust and I know they will have my back. I am taking my buddy Dusty for 3 reasons: 1) He is a big dude and can kick asses if need be, 2) He is a nurse, so he can patch me up if need be, and 3) He is a great drinker, so we can get pumped, you know, if need be.

Finally, we need some more muscle. Also, we need a fiercely loyal guy who can take the fall if we get caught along the way. That’s why my 8^th and final companion is Wee-Bey from The Wire. Definitely the Boromir of the crew, but not everyone can make it to Gondor.

So an anonymous person who loves American Idol and I were driving to Ithaca a month or so ago when David Cooke, last seasons winner came on the radio. My friend moved his spitter to his left hand so he could turn up the radio when I asked "what the heck are you doing? This song sucks and this guy sounds like a talentless Nickelback! Change the station!" I had never heard of David Cooke at the time but I know a talentless Nickelback when I hear one, as there are millions of them these days. Your thoughts?

-Shaun from VA beach

I’m pretty sure that “talentless Nickelback” is redundant, but I’m far from a music critic. FYI, you emailed a guy who hasn’t liked a new album since Bruce put out The Rising, and although I watched some AI last season I haven’t heard a David Cooke song since. So I can’t really help you there. I have gotten into Idol recently though, continuing my trend of waiting until the top 10 to get hooked. He’s a little flaming for me, but Adam Lambert can sing. I definitely have him as my front-runner; just ahead of Danny Gokey with the dead wife and the kid who went last on Tuesday, with Lil’ rounding out my Final Four. My main criticism of the show is that creepy blind guy. Sorry, but can somebody please get him a pair of sunglasses?? You didn’t see Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder staring at the audience all bug-eyed and confused. Seriously dude, rock some shades.

So the Red Sox signed Josh Bard, then dropped Josh Bard, and now the Nationals have picked Bard up. As a Sox fan living in DC, I'm pretty sure this wild ride is something that must be commemorated. How am I supposed to do it? Red Sox Jersey? Red Sox t-shirt jersey? Nats jersey? Nats t-shirt jersey?

-Josh Bard

Oh, this is a no-brainer. You buy both the Sox jersey AND the Nats jersey, cut them each in half and sew them together to make 1 jersey. OR you cut them in thirds and include your high school basketball jersey so you have a Triple Josh Bard jersey a la Big Daddy Smooth.

A few TV shows this year have really fallen off (Flight of the Conchords, Office) from their previous brilliance. Does this make you respect a show like the Wire even more for calling it quits at the top?

-Creed, Scranton PA

For the record I don’t think The Office has fallen off, I think they’re having a hilarious season. And I don’t smoke enough weed to enjoy FOTC, so I’m unaware of their decline. I will say that I think it is very easy for a great TV show to “jump the shark,” and I think The Wire will be remembered for ending at exactly the right time, and not trying to be something that it wasn’t. They knew the story that they wanted to tell, and told it in 5 parts. Most shows don’t have the ability to know the entire picture before they start painting; they usually make it up as they go along. Even a show like the Sopranos was all over the place at times, but The Wire got better every episode and finished strong. But to answer your question, the only thing that could make me respect the show more is if Lester Freamon invented a cure for cancer.

Keep 'em coming...sportsfanparadise@gmail.com.

Sports (Fan Paradise) Guy Mailbag

Just in case you were wondering, there is no feud between me and Bill Simmons. He does his thing, I do mine. He has his style, I have mine. There is plenty of room in the world of sports blogging for both of us. Seriously, there is no competition. I don't know where people are hearing those rumors, but they aren't true.

In fact, I think that the Sports Guy mailbag is one of the best things going on the WWW. I am such a fan, in fact, that I think its time I emulated. Seriously, we have at least 20 readers here, right? Shouldn't I be able to get a couple dozen people to email me a question? Just because the same 3 idiots post on the message board doesn't mean there aren't others out there.

So here's the deal...email your questions (they can be about anything) to sportsfanparadise@gmail.com. Once I receive 20 I will post the first ever Sports (Fan Paradise) Guy Mail Bag. It will be a hoot.

If you have read this entire post and still aren't going to send in a question then you need to know that I'm kind of disappointed in you. Blogs are supposed to be interactive. Its a two way street. I would just twitter if I didn't want to engage with my fellowship.

Some guy makes fake Dharma Initiative magazine ads and posts them on Flickr like a champ...thanks to Pete Gett for the tip

25 Most Influential Athletes of My Life

Today is a very special day in the history of Sports Fan Paradise. Why? Well because the founder/editor/main contributor turns 25 years old. Yes, I know, quite the milestone. It seems like just yesterday I was a struggling 22-year-old blogger with only a handful of readers. Today I would say I have two or even three handfuls, and for those I am grateful.

So with you few handfuls in mind I will postpone my celebrating and write a little something to commemorate the day. My reverse birthday gift to you is a list of the 25 athletes who have moved, inspired and influenced me over my first quarter-century. Now excuse me while I go practice for my karaoke performance(s).


#1 Bill Buckner
I was just 2 and a half years old when my father woke me up close to midnight on October 25th of 1986. Even though I was barely old enough to comprehend anything, he still wanted me to witness the Red Sox end their 68-year World Series drought. After they blew the game he feared that he had scarred me for life. Of course I didn't remember seeing the play, but my life as a sports fan would have been very different if Buckner had kept his glove down.

#2 Wayne Gretzky
#3 Michael Jordan
#4 Bo Jackson
This column from July of 2008 will tell you everything you need to know.

#5 Ken Griffey Jr.
Any good baseball card collector knows the first prized card that they possessed. For me it was a 1989 Upper Deck Ken Griffey Jr. rookie card. I haven't bought a baseball card since the '90s but I still remember what this one looks like. Too bad its value has gone down so much.

#6 Mike Greenwell
I only have 2 memories of 1st grade: Flirting with Jen Lincoln at recess and getting the Gator's autograph. Greenwell moved into a new house right next to my elementary school right around the time I began to love the Red Sox, so becoming my favorite player was easy. I began bringing a Greenwell baseball card into school everyday, just waiting for the walk home when I would actually have the balls to go up and ring his doorbell. Finally one spring day I grew a pair and my best friend and I went for it. He answered the door in boxers, a beater and a robe with a "Hey dudes!" and graciously signed autographs. Since that day I have come to terms with the fact that he wasn't the best left fielder in Sox history, but I have never said a bad word about him.

#7 The Ultimate Warrior
Nobody in the history of the WWF brought the same type of energy as the Ultimate Warrior. Like most kids I went through a Hulk Hogan phase, a Shawn Michaels phase, even an NWO phase. But in 1991 the Warrior was running wild and I was obsessed with wrestling. Looking back I don't think my parents should have let me watch.

#8 Larry Bird
It was just 2 weeks before my 9th birthday when my Dad took me to my first Celtics game. It would be the only time I would ever see Larry Legend in person, and he must of known that, because he scored 49 points and hit an insane 3-pointer to send the game into overtime (fast fwd to the 7:25 mark). They won, of course, but I missed the last play because everyone was jumping and cheering and I was like 4 feet tall. Still, it was one of the best sports moments of my life.

#9 John Valentin
Back in the Summer of '92 I was a little league shortstop idolizing a left fielder, which would have been fine except that the uniform numbers didn't go all the way up to Mike Greenwell's #39. That all changed at Fenway one night, when a 25-year-old kid freshly called up from Pawtucket knocked his first major league hit into left field. From then on Johnny V was the "middle infielder with pop in his bat" that I emulated, which is probably the reason my baseball career fell short as well. I would end up interviewing him years later when he was the hitting coach for the Binghamton Mets and I was an intern at Newschannel 36 in Elmira, and he was nothing but a class act. I told him I was there when he made his debut and said that maybe I'll also be there when he makes his Red Sox coaching debut. Somebody call up Francona.

#10 Mo Vaughn
Say what you will about the Hit Dog, when he was good he was good. Steroids? Probably. Cocaine? Ecstasy? Definitely. But nobody ruled the Pesky Pole, or the Foxy Lady, quite like Big Mo.

#11 Danya Abrams
So what if this Boston College stud power forward never made it big professionally? He was my coach at Jim O'Brien's Summer Basketball Camp when I was in 4th grade and he was the man. Looking back it was probably not a great idea to put a 19-year-old with NBA dreams in charge of a dozen 10-year-olds, but we certainly had fun, except when he made me do wall-sits for an hour for beating him in knock-out. That sucked.

#12 Ryne Sandberg
I'll be honest, I can't for the life of me remember watching the real Ryne Sandberg play an actual game. He made this list for one reason and one reason only: RBI Baseball 3. RBIB3 is, in my opinion, the greatest baseball video game of all time. It belongs on the Mount Rushmore of sports video games right alongside Tecmo Super Bowl, NBA Jam and NHL '94. RBIB3 is especially near and dear to my heart because of the hundreds of hours that my brother and I logged playing that game from the time it came out in 1990 and consistently for an entire decade. I'm not kidding. We spent very large chunks of the summer writing out brackets and having RBI baseball tournaments against each other, drafting 8 teams each and playing until one team was victorious. During the first 5 or so years that team was usually the Oakland A's, with their 'roided-up roster and the unhittable Dennis Eckersley coming out of the 'pen, and it was always controlled by my brother. For some reason that was the unwritten rule, Steve got the A's and I got the Reds (which we had determined Cincy the 2nd best team in the game). The A's beat up on the Reds worse than Ike beat up on Tina, it was more of a rite of passage than anything else. Thankfully that all ended in the mid-'90s, mostly due to #23. We had included the Chicago Cubs in our field of 16 for the first time, and I was stuck with them in a 1-vs.-16 game against my brother and the A's. Sandberg ended up hitting 2 monster bombs over the Tengen scoreboard and Greg Maddux pitched a gem to get me that Game 1 victory. The 16-seed Cubbies rolled to the RBI Bowl XXIV title and quickly became my go-to team, with Sandberg the perienial MVP. I almost ventured to Cooperstown for his Hall of Fame induction ceremony, but felt that that may be taking the RBIB3 obsession a little far. A spot on this list is the least I could do.

#13 Drew McQueen Bledsoe
It took me far too long to embrace Tom Brady, and I admit that, but if the worst thing you can say about me is that I'm too loyal then I'll take it. Bledsoe was the face of the franchise for just under a decade and carried that team to a Super Bowl in '97.

#14 Paul Pierce
Before I loved Pierce in Celtics green I loved him in Kansas Blue. I adopted the Jayhawks after following their dirty '97 squad with Pierce and other future Celts Scot Pollard and Raef Lafrentz, and have liked them ever since. After having the pleasure of watching him play professionally for 10+ years I have no problem putting him on the Mount Rushmore of Celtics Greats (along with Bird, Russell and Red...Couz and Hav just can't handle the Truth).

#15 Mark McGwire
What? I'm serious. The '98 home run chase was the most exciting national sports phenomenon of my lifetime. I watched McGwire belt #62 the night before my first day of high school. How many moments in sports are so important that you remember where you were when they happened? Not many. We were naive to steroid use and the livin' was easy, it was a great time to be a fan and Big Mac owned the Universe.

#16 Pedro Martinez
From the 1999 All Star Game to the relief appearance against the Indians in the playoffs, there was no better pitcher EVER than Pedro Martinez. To be able to watch him at the top of his game was a freaking privilege.

#17 Ray Bourque
I'm not a huge hockey guy, but I sat across from Ray Bourque on a flight from Orlando to Boston the summer after he won the Cup with Colorado and he was a great guy, signing my hat and everything. 10 years after I rang Greenwell's doorbell, being friendly and giving an autograph is all a guy needed to do to make this list.

#18 Adam Vinatieri
Those 2 kicks against the Raiders set the tone for the dynasty. If he shanks one of them I am convinced the snowball never starts and the Pats never win a Super Bowl, let alone 3. Add the kick against the Rams and you have an instant legend. And I met him in Disney World and he had a hot wife and I talked to her about living in Needham and he didn't seem to mind, so that was cool too.

#19 Randy Moss
As a college freshman I played Madden 2003 for at least 2 hours a day. The Vikings were my team and I pwned everyone on my floor. Years before he would ever don a Pats jersey I was a huge fan of #84. That Culpepper-to-Moss deep post was unfuckingstoppable.

#20 Tom Brady
Forget the 3 Super Bowls, he proves that with a little hard work anything is possible. How else do you explain the fact that this guy landed this girl. Hard work folks. Lots of it.

#21 Dave Roberts
The Red Sox finally won the World Series during my 21st year (I know Dad, I had it easy). When I think of that team I don't think of the traitor (Damon), the self-righteous buffoon (Schilling), or the ex-Sox slugger that won't be spoken of (-----). No, I think about the guy who stepped up when we were down to our final out and stole the base that would be a microcosm of the entire series. The Dave Roberts era was far too short, but it was the best of all the eras.

#22 Big Papi
I wanted to make sure I included David Ortiz in this list. While his skills could possibly (but I hope not) be diminishing, we need to recognize the fact that his run of dramatic walk-off bombs was 2 of the best years ever as a Sox fan.

#23 Derrick from the RW/RR Challenges
To call Derrick scrappy is an understatement. This guy is the definition of a competitor and is an inspiration to undersized athletes everywhere. This guy has won more Duels, Gauntlets and Infernos than I can ever count, and he was the underdog in most of them. From all of us guys under 5'10'': Thank you, Derrick, for giving us someone to look up to that isn't Bob Costas or Harrison Ford.

#24 Brian Westbrook
Public Service Announcement: Don't let fantasy football take over your life or you will end up putting the Running Back from a team you hate on a list of the most influential athletes in your life.

#25 Kevin Garnett
The Celts raised #17 during my 25th year, and for this we can thank Kevin Garnett. This commercial is still one of my favorites because it totally captures the way we all felt when the Big Ticket came to town.

Shawn Johnson Has A(nother) Stalker

LOS ANGELES -- A restraining order has been issued against a man authorities say tried to break onto the Los Angeles set of "Dancing With the Stars" to meet Shawn Johnson.

Robert O'Ryan arrested by the LAPD yesterday. Court documents show O'Ryan was stopped by security at CBS Studios, where "Dancing With the Stars" is produced, after he jumped on a fence on Monday afternoon.

Police later searched his car and found two guns and duct tape.

The records state that he told security guards and police that he packed up all his belongings and traveled to California from Florida in the hopes of being with Johnson.

The 17-year-old Johnson is a gold medalist in gymnastics and one of the celebrity contestants on ABC's "Dancing With the Stars."

Yup. That seems about right. Maybe if ABC stopped parading around underage girls in skimpy clothing they would get less stalkers coming to the studio. Just a thought.

Reactions from Weekend of March Madness

I haven't worked in the four days and shaved in the last eight. I've shoveled down more buffalo wings and Bud Lights than I want to declare. I have left ass impressions in bar stools across DC. The tangible results? One commemorative pint glass, a couple extra pounds, a bracket at the bottom of every pool I'm entered in, and face full of nasty stubble. Picture me as the unemployed Ron Burgandy, without the stale milk.

Besides general malaise, my mini-vacation can be characterized by pretty consistent intoxication and almost as consistent disappointment in the games (mostly the results). I've lost a lot of close games, a few blowouts, and many in between; ESPN has even told me that my bracket in the 13th percentile, which is below George W. Bush's approval rating and dipping into weatherman success territory. Perhaps the only thing I'm still qualified for in regards to the tournament is reactions, since few people have logged the hours I have with CBS. Here are some thoughts:

-The number one seeds all look pretty good. They've had some scares but their recoveries and finishing of games (Louisville over Siena, UNC over LSU, Pitt over OKState) are what make them the best four teams.

-If you have a five seed, let's go ahead and just book your ticket as a two day round trip.

-The team that needs this five day break the most has to be Kansas. Two hideously ugly wins for them, and a few practices is exactly what Bill Self needs. If they didn't get Dayton today, I don't think they'd still be around. Dayton was so bad that Obama would have described their performance as Special Olympic inspired.

-More on the Obama front, his bracket is mediocre, but what would be more impressive: Obama nailing every single game of the tournament or solving the Middle East Peace Crisis and the economy problems?

-Biggest letdown had to be Western Kentucky not getting back on defense after tying Gonzaga in the final seconds. How does that happen? Where was that guy from the Buffalo Wild Wings commercial to shoot off the flashbulb and send the game to overtime?

-Speaking of which, BWW had more commercials since Thursday than Foxwoods has during an entire Red Sox season. Even Tyler Perry's House of Payne thought it was overkill. Honorable mentions to Cingular's dad with the cameraphone, Burger King breakfast shots, Captain Morgan's douchey "four guys" (please tell me which bar in American doesn't charge a group of four dudes for drinks).

-Some superlatives: Best ending- Siena/OSU's 2OT shootout; Most dominating team- UCONN; Best tourney mantra- Jay Bilas' "A team's performance doesn't validate or invalidate its inclusion"; Best absence- Billy Packer; Best individual performance- ND State's Ben Woodside's almost one man takedown of Kansas; Best halftime distraction- PhotoHunt; Worst Site- tie between the empty American Airlines Arena in Miami and awkward Metrodome setup in Minneapolis.

-How bout the job CBS did at the end of the Sunday 5PM games? Maybe the only performance worse than West Virginia this week. They tossed us around between the Siena/L'ville, Mizzou/Marquette, and USC/MSU games like we were the LOSTies during the spinning donkey wheel and white flash debacle... except that we were constantly stuck in the most inopportune moments.

-The only way to describe Marquette's Lazar Hayward stepping on the line during an inbounds with 5.5 seconds left: A-Rodian. (Also special shout out to Marquette's coach Buzz Williams for looking like a bald version of Shaun of the Dead actor Nick Frost)

-A storyline you should but won't hear about is that of the four mid-major at large bids, two of them lost in round one and another was embarrassed in the second round, all by major conference teams (BYU to A&M, Butler to LSU, and Dayton to KU, respectively). I love what Bilas said about performance's unparalleled relationship to validation but there were lots of people upset about the lack of mid-majors in the tourney and we'll see if this is delved into this week.

-Looking ahead, we have some awesome match-ups for the Sweet Sixteen, how do you pick a favorite? Cuse/Oklahoma? Mizzou/Memphis? Duke/Nova? Kansas/MSU?

Back by popular demand! Get ready to take a Friday Morning Dump

The popular sentiment regarding the Morning Dump was similar to Drunk Katie's reaction to a Beirut double-up: BRING IT BACK BITCHES!!!

So while I'm trying to figure out how to get the Boss Button to work on the blog, enjoy some links. Bardo isn't online so we're a little light this week. Feel free to email some good ones to sportsfanparadise@gmail.com


As usual, Sporcle delivered this week with quizzes including Celebrity Mugshots, "Number" Band Names, and even the Muppet Show theme song. But this quiz takes the cake. I was perfect on the SEC, ACC, Big 10, Pac 10, and Big 12, but the Big East tripped me up a bit. Good luck.

Not only does Ithaca crush Alfred in football, but we rock out to The Darkness a hell of a lot better than they do too.

The Dan Band could possibly be my favorite non-Bruce musical act. Here is their latest video.

Here is an interesting article about websites spawned by popular TV. Someday I hope to have a sitcom spawn from this blog. We shall see.

Speaking of HIMYM, is it possible that I have never posted the link for Barney's Blog? If so I apologize deeply.

Whit (Popcandy) is down at SXSW so she won't be posting L O S T reactions until Monday, but I'll throw a few thoughts around about Wednesday's episode:

- You all know I'm a big Sawyer fan, and as cool as he was 2 weeks ago, I'll admit that he was kind of a dick. BUT, in his defense, he has been running shit for 3 years and then Jack came back and thought he was going to be Captain Island again. Jack needs to chill the fuck out, read a God damn book, and maybe go bone Kate or something. Seriously, you're in the 1970s, you have no clue what the hell is going on. Not everything is a freaking mission.

- I know I'm in the minority but I like Sawyer and Juliet together. They have a good thing going. While Kate is undoubtedly hotter she is also a nutjob, and Juliet seems to have a better head on her shoulders. It should also be said that Juliet has larger breasts, ya know, for like tiebreaker purposes. I have no idea where they're going with Juliet's character, but Sawyer is clearly still in love with Kate.

- Why didn't Sun flash back with everyone else? I presume that Ben didn't because he wasn't orginally on the plane, and/or because he wouldn't have been able to coexist with the 1977 Ben. Was Sun born on the island? Was she that Asian baby in the first scene of Season 5?

- I'm contimplating getting a Frank Lapidas poster for my cubicle. Is there a more likable character on the show?

-How did Ben get his ass kicked after Sun knocked him out and before Locke sees him with the rest of the wounded?

-Now that we know that the island brought Locke back to life it is clear that Christian is as alive as any of them. Is he living with Claire? Is he talking with Jacob? Is he Jacob? Is he more special than Locke? Andy has been saying all along that he is the key to the show, and I'm starting to agree.

HAVE YOUR OWN THOUGHTS? HIT UP THE MESSAGE BOARD, I WANT TO HEAR WHAT YOU THINK.


Picture of the week:
Oh yeah, they're Krispy Kreme bacon cheeseburgers. I submitted this to This Is Why You're Fat a week ago but they haven't posted it yet.

March Hotness

So far 33 have people signed up for our pool. We didn't get as many entries as the Deadspin group, or the faculty at Lawson High for that matter, but I'm satisfied. LET THE BLOGGING CONTINUE!

In past years I have filled out numerous brackets and hoped for the best, but I hated rooting for one team in one bracket and their opponent in the other. Like the dude with too many fantasy football teams, I was That Guy. This year I decided to make one set of amazing picks, Mike's Bracktastic Repeat, and ride them on the blog and in my office pool. I picked the correct Final Four and winner last March and I plan to do the same this year, but that isn't to say this was an easy bracket to fill out, and I'd be lying if I said that the Midwest Region hasn't been haunting my dreams.

But all that is behind me, as we're minutes from tip-off and everything is locked in. So now it's time to have some fun. If you go to the SFP group on ESPN's Tournament Challenge you'll see that I have actually entered 3 brackets: mine, President Obama's, and finally a bracket where the school with the better looking girls advanced. If you thought the real brackets (where you pick which basketball team is superior) brought on a lot of debate you should have seen the war room when we decided on this one. Between Facebook, Playboy's college issue, my experience and the intern's due dilligence, we filled out all 63 games and have a solid argument for each team that advanced. I will skip ahead to the Elite 8, but feel free to argue in the comment section.


MIDWEST:
Arizona over USC
This one was difficult because both schools absolutly BRING IT in the tail department, but in the end it came down to why you would go to either school. We thought of 5 solid reasons to attend USC, but only 2 for 'Zona, the top one being the fine fine talent.
















WEST:
Cal over UT-Chattanooga
The Chattahoochies put up a solid fight, but CAL has Allison Stokke. Game over.


















EAST:
Texas over Florida State
I'm as big a Jenn Sterger fan as anyone, but lets face it, her time has come and gone. Texas wins because of their depth, and because the girls seem to actually care about sports, not just getting photographed.





















SOUTH:
LSU over Arizona State
ASU is definitely the party school to end all party schools, but thanks to the blog formerly known as SECPoon.com I have become quite partial to Tigers.